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Every Tuesday is Tip Day. - Questions to ask before losing your cool!
No matter how spiritual I am, no matter how well I have started my day off with setting my intentions, a short meditation, getting my breathing right and feeling all happy and warm inside, something or someone can come along and topple me off my happy little perch. Most of the time, I can take a deep breath and count to ten before scrambling right back on my perch and the something or someone can go about their merry way without really knowing they have upset me.
However...........on a bad day, a hormonal day or a day when I haven’t had enough sleep. I feel my jaws snapping and my breathing quickening, eyes flashing and before I know, I have snapped at someone and lost my temper. I then have to spend the rest of the day or evening soothing my ruffled feathers and talking myself out of feeling guilty for my outburst (guilt is such a waste of emotion), before apologising profusely to whoever I have snapped at.
Gretchen Rubin, one of my favourite Happiness Guru’s has come up with a set of questions that can be used to encourage me to stop and think (sometimes) in time to affect my behaviour.
When I feel myself losing my temper, if I can muster the mindfulness to be self-reflective, I ask myself these questions:
1. Am I at fault? I hate to be criticized or to be in the wrong. Often, I’m angriest when someone is chiding me about something that I am, indeed, guilty of. When I’m about to hit back, I remind myself to accept criticism politely, if grudgingly.
2. Will this solve anything? I often snap when I feel like I’m confronting the same annoyance over and over. Fact is, people often have irritating habits that aren’t going to change. Failure to meet deadlines, failure to return phone calls, untidiness, etc., etc. I try to remember that snapping isn’t going to make any difference, but will only make ME feel bad.
3. Am I improving the situation? This is particularly important with my children and step children. If I lose my temper with them, the problem just escalates to a whole new horrible level. There are tears and wails, “You talked to me in a mean voice!” It’s far more effective to stay calm and also it so much nicer.
4. Should I be helping you? Often, I lose my temper because I’m actually feeling guilty about my own unhelpfulness. My guilt makes me crabby, but it’s really a sign that I should be taking action.
5. Am I uncomfortable? Discomfort shortens my fuse. I’ve become much more careful to dress warmly, to snack more often, to turn off the light when I’m sleepy, and to take pain relief as soon as I get a headache.
6. Can I make a joke of this? Using humour is extraordinarily effective, but I usually can’t find the inner depths to laugh at an annoying situation. A distant goal for which I’m striving.
It’s tempting to dwell on questions like, “Whose fault is it?” or “Why am I upset?” but in the end, these tend to stoke my temper instead of soothe it. I try to remind myself that no behaviour is annoying if I don’t find it annoying.
If all else fails, drive out to an open space get out of the car, scream, shout, beat your chest and then breathe deeply, get back in the car and carry on as normal. Better out than in......!!!
Love and Blessings,
Jean Fisher-Taylor
Inspiration for blog from Gretchen Rubin - The Happiness Project
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