Boundaries

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you have someone in your life that makes you feel less magnificent than you should feel?  It can be a partner, parent, child, friend or colleague.  If someone makes you feel small or less beautiful and perfect than you really are or putting too much on your shoulders then you need to set firm boundaries to protect yourself and to stop any negative behaviour towards yourself.

I am in the process of setting some boundaries as someone has sometimes knowingly and quite often unknowingly made remarks that have hurt me and caused distressed.  I am aware that I have internalised this hurt and it has affected my behaviour in certain areas of my life.  After much soul searching and several sleepless nights I am taking ownership of this problem.  It isn't what the person is saying or their bad behaviour that is causing the problem, it is MY reaction and refusal to confront the situation that is causing me to hurt.  I have been choosing to ignore the problem and therefore, internally making myself miserable.

As this is the year I am making huge changes, I am now tackling this situation and confronting the person causing the distress and I am setting very firm boundaries that will protect my energy and my faith in myself! I came across these tips.  If you need to set boundaries or reinforce one's that you have in place, I hope these will help.

10 Tips for Setting Boundaries by Julie Fordham - Articlesbase

1.      Define what your Values and Priorities are.  What is really important to you?  What do you want to achieve?  Look at all areas of your life, not just work – lets go for ideal world stuff here to help you broaden your perspective – spending more time with your family, friends, spending quality time with your children, actually taking all of your holiday allocation to enjoy and relax away from work or your business, hobbies, self development, fun, sporting activities, leisure activities, baking etc.
2.      Tell Them! You will need to let people know what your boundaries are.  If you always stay at work late but have decided that on a Friday you are going to leave work on time, then you have to let people know that.  If you do not wish to barter your services with another business and you want to get paid for the work you do, then you have to let people know that.  If you do not want to be shouted at in the middle of an open plan office by someone who just happens to be having a bad day, you need to calmly and directly let them know that.
3.      You can't please everyone all of the time! Most of the time people will understand that you want to dedicate time to the different areas of your life, especially if you explain the importance of those areas to them.  When you enter into "people pleasing" Island, remember sometimes you have to please yourself without feeling guilty about it, so that you meet your needs, wants and achieve your goals.  It is easy to feel like you are being selfish but surely if you do not take time out to meet your needs, you are never really well equipped to meet the needs of others.
4.      Teach people how to treat you. You probably don't realise it but every day you teach people around you how you want them to treat you.  If you do not speak up and let someone know how you want to be treated, you are giving them the message loud and clear "it's perfectly ok to treat me like that".  Learn how to say no (http://www.juliefordham.com/6), speak up.  This is the quickest and most effective way to ensure others are clear about who you are and how to respect your boundaries.
5.      Say No but offer an alternative.  Sometimes we do not say no to requests because we fear that it can come across as unhelpful, harsh or abrupt.  However, there is a solution to this – offer an alternative or more detail.  The following are only examples of what you could say, as every situation, person, career is different and this article cannot cover every possible scenario.

• "No, I can't take on that project now, I have a lot of commitments on at the moment and it would mean that I would not be able to complete them on time.

Conversely, if you are in a situation and you have to say yes, consider saying:

• "You know I have a lot on right now and taking on this project is going to affect the deadlines on other projects, is it possible to delegate these other tasks to someone else?"

Or another way of putting it might be:

• "Yes, I will do it but only when I have finished these other projects and give a date when you will be starting it.

6.      Don't reinvent the wheel. Think about people you know that demonstrate strong boundary setting.  Then ask them for some tips and advice. Also watch and listen to what they do and say.  Then try it for yourself.
7.      Maintain a neutral tone.  Begin by setting simple but firm boundaries with a neutral tone. (Think about how you would say "the grass is green" and this is the tone you are aiming for).  It will feel uncomfortable at first and perhaps a little awkward but the more you practice it, the more confident you will feel.
8.      Perfect your Communication Skills. Try to model direct, clear and assertive communication skills so that you are understood.  If your communication is unclear or vague you will give a partial message about what your boundaries are, to whoever you are talking to.    This means that people can misunderstand or misinterpret what you say and your needs will not be met or understood.
9.      Eliminate the "If I don't do it, it won't get done" voice. If the task is important, it will and it will always get done! If you work for a company, someone will be found to complete a project or task.  If it really wouldn't get done then it really wasn't that important.  If you work for yourself you need to ask yourself the question "Is this particular project/task in alignment with my business goals and strategy?"  If it isn't, it isn't a priority.
10.  You know you need to set a boundary when..............  you feel anger, resentment or you find yourself complaining about the same situation for the 100th time.  Think about what the issue is for you and how it affects you as a person.  Think about how it impacts on your time, values and priorities.  Then communicate your boundary clearly using as few words as possible.  Try not to justify, apologise or rationalise what you are saying and at all costs do not argue.
So there they are some tried and tested (but by no means exhaustive) tips for boundary setting to support you in reclaiming the time and balance in your life, career or business.
Like everything setting boundaries is a process.  You will probably not have a problem with setting or defining them, the challenge comes when you have to stick to them.  At the start you may find yourself in a three steps forward, two steps back situation.  Inevitably, you will come up against someone, who liked the old you, who gave up their time, energy, resources and goals easily and effortlessly.  They will question and challenge you because they liked the way you used to be.    However, the more you practice the more confidence you will gain, so stick to your guns and don't give up.

Love and Blessings,

Jean Fisher-Taylor